Friday, July 24, 2009

Ask the Rabbi: Saying Kaddish following an Abortion

Here's a very difficult question posed to me as part of the About.com "Ask the Rabbi" series.

Ask the Rabbi: Does One Say Kaddish After An Abortion?

Q: Dear Rabbi, I come to you because I have been uncomfortable contacting the rabbis in my life about this. My girlfriend is planning to have an abortion. I have read extensively the halacha and ethical scholarship and I support her. It is not easy for me but I love her and respect her choice. I am wondering if there is something I can do after, particularly does one say kaddish for a period?

Thank you... read more

(FULL TEXT)

A couple days ago a young man contacted me with a difficult question. His girlfriend will soon have an abortion and he wanted to know: should he say kaddish for their unborn child? He requested a Conservative Rabbi's opinion so I forwarded the question to Rabbi Joshua Hammerman, whose answer is below. Both the question and answer are shared with the permission of the young man, so that anyone else going through a situation like this may benefit from the exchange.

As always, please treat "Ask the Rabbi" posts with sensitivity and remember that they involve real people dealing with difficult situations.

Q: Dear Rabbi,I come to you because I have been uncomfortable contacting the rabbis in my life about this. My girlfriend is planning to have an abortion. I have read extensively the halacha and ethical scholarship and I support her. It is not easy for me but I love her and respect her choice. I am wondering if there is something I can do after, particularly does one say kaddish for a period? Thank you.

A: I know this must have been an excruciating decision for you and your girlfriend. While there is undoubtedly much grieving at a time like this, one does not mourn in this case as one would for a person who was born. Just as with a miscarriage, the fetus is not yet considered fully human in halachic terms, which is why, in fact Jewish law would never consider abortion to be murder. Jewish law indeed sees the fetus as a life, but not as a fully developed human life until it is born (or in the process of being born). This, in turn, is why I personally have an issue with those who wish to overturn Roe v. Wade. To impose on us all another religion's vision of when human life begins would dissolve that precious line separating church from state.

This is not to say that it would be wrong to say the Kaddish, if it can help you to deal with this loss. It just is not something you would be obligated to do. In fact I've done memorial events for still births and late-term miscarriages that have been very meaningful for the parents. But there is no official mourning period, no
shiva, no yahrzeit, etc.

I've seen some sensitive contemporary prayers to be recited by a parent (typically the mother) following or preceding an abortion or miscarriage, which you may find appropriate. See, for instance, this abortion ritual from Ritual Well and this act of dedication prior to a therapeutic abortion. Also see this miscarriage ceremony.

If you are more kabbalistically inclined, you might want to look at the "Tikkun Klali," the Ten Healing Psalms of Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav," which are explained here. Psalms are considered to have special healing power, simply because they record the pleas of human beings in distress, helping us to connect at a time of need.

Finally, please note that I do not have enough information to make a recommendation from a Jewish perspective regarding the abortion itself. Suffice to say that while Judaism does not see it as murder, neither does it simply endorse abortion-on-demand. The most glaring generalization one can make is that the health of the mother takes precedence over that of the unborn child. But it is a very complicated question - and one that you are not asking me. Nor am I passing judgment in any sense regarding a situation that is so painful for you both.

My best wishes to you and your girlfriend.

Shalom,
Rabbi Joshua Hammerman

1 comment:

Leonard Felson said...

I read this with interest because I'm saying kaddish for my mother this year. She died in August. What strikes me about the question under discussion is the man's thirst for a ritual, a holy structure, to hold and mark this painful moment in his and his girlfriend's life together.